Q: DEAR Regina, how do other people deal with sundowners? My mum is so abusive to me! She is so upset about a past experience that was bad for her, and she doesn’t stop talking about it. I’ve tried everything. I tell her I am sorry..it does not work!
A: A person with dementia who experiences sundowning behaviours can wear a caregiver to their wits’ end. Both the person with dementia and the carer are frustrated, filled with anxiety and exhausted beyond understanding to the average person who knows little to nothing about caring for someone with dementia. There is no cure-all answer, however there has been reported positive response to really addressing the emotion of the person with sundowning behaviour. You said that you have tried everything and even saying sorry!” I am going to challenge you and meaning no disrespect, as I know this is very hard and I believe you have tried everything to the best of your knowledge. The person with dementia has the ability to know when you are appeasing them. If your “sorry” is not in a heartfelt empathy of concern, you are right. It does not work. And it does not work for everyone. When I say address their emotion, you must get into their reality. If they do not feel you are with them, they will not relate to you in that moment. Remember that your mom is your mom and I am sure she did many wonderful things that you cherish. She is functioning the best she knows how with a disease that is depleting who she is. This is so hard for you to watch. Try to reach her with your heart and find her happy times when she was younger, even before you were born. Those memories may spark a smile and joy for her. Here are a few things that others have tried. Learn who your mom was before you were born. A lot of joy may be experienced through those memories.
Take notice of the activities that she is doing. Is it too much, too noisy around dinner time or is she bored? Is there a change of caregivers? These changes from the day to evening can cause confusion. Has the sun caused more shading in areas that she stays in? (which may cause added shadows therefore making it more difficult for her to see). What seems comfortable and fun during the day may not be the same for evening as everything shifts and the person with dementia has a hard time adjusting to the change.
Write down the time your mom starts to sundown and notice the lighting around. A Place for Mom reports, “Some researchers even think that hormone imbalances or possible disruptions in the internal biological clock that regulates cognition between waking and sleeping hours may also be a principal cause.”
Another thing to look for is what is she eating? Sugar can trigger agitation and so can foods with MSG. Is she tired and seem exhausted?
Maintain routine and adjust lighting to brighter in the evening to decrease shadows, bring the noise level down, decrease clutter, play her favourite music that she listened to that made her feel good, relaxed and safe.
To better understand and help your situation, I will need more information regarding the negative past behaviours. Keep in mind that you are a detective concerning your mom. If you can find the triggers of the behaviours, we can usually prevent them 80% of the time. The other 20% is sometimes helpful with medication to take the edge off the agitation which may be related to depression in some cases.
The other concern I have is you the caregiver. Please take care of your own emotions and health. Do not ignore yourself. Please ask family and friends for help. This was never meant for anyone to do alone. This kind of care is team care… Thank you for your question.
Senior joke ~ John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom. It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL.Mom.” How could he have failed? … And all his mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?! Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?” his text said. “I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”
I look forward to hearing your questions or suggestions to help share Alzheimer’s Awareness. Next Class is Saturday, 21 November.
Send questions to [email protected] or call/text to 486-4509