By Augustus Henry (PhD)
Amnon (King David’s son) fell in love strongly with his half-sister Tamar. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon’s friend, Jonadab (David’s nephew), was a very crafty man. He said to Amnon, “O son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me?” Amnon said to him, “I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.” Then Jonadab said to him, “Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’”
After Tamar prepared the food and brought it to Amnon to eat, Amnon seized the opportunity to rape her, committing incest. Absolom, later, avenged his sister by killing Amnon at a party he organized, Reference: 2 Samuel 13: 5-14. Amnon’s death proves that the friends you choose can determine your fate. As such, there are different types of friends discussed in this message, make your choice wisely.
The unsuspecting Friends
Some characters in the saga above are brash, visible and speaks loud, others inconspicuous and under the radar, but treacherous. In this episode, Amnon’s behavior is not missed, he rapes his sister, violates her, and kicks her out of his room as though she was a dog – very visible. In addition, Absolom murder is aggressive and brazen for all to see. Even David negligence speaks loud in the account. However, the quiet participation, and treachery, and the emotional manipulation of Jonadab can go unnoticed. But, if you remove him from the scene, that horrible movie stops.
Irrespective of how quiet his part was, he was destructive. Like some unassuming friends in your life, if you remove them from your equation, life aspirations start to look better. One person said, your best friend is your biggest blind spot. Bob Marley says, your best friend, could be your worse enemy – because he knows your secret and only he can destroy you with it. I guarantee you, there some people, if absent from your circle, you begin to live better; your peace of mind improves; your decision-making becomes sounder, and your relationship with God gets stronger.
Emotionally manipulative friends
Someone who knows your emotional triggers can exploit them for your destruction and for their own benefit. Do you realize that the principles you are unlikely to violate in a rational state; however, will demolish the same values when you are emotionally vulnerable? The story demonstrates that Amnon in his rational mind understood that nothing was possible between him and his sister. However, the crafty Jonadab circumvented Amnon’s rational thinking and attacked his emotion: he begins appealing to his ego – “O son of the king”, as he begins to pull Amnon strings.
A friend is one who knows your triggers – the things that calm or set you off. That person can be powerful in building you up or dangerous in bringing you down. Such a person holds the joystick to your life, the puppet strings that can make you dance to good or bad music. They have the potential to make or break you. That individual can determine your rise or your fall. In cases like Amnon and Jonadab, they can hold the keys to your life or death in their hands. So, choose wisely. The friends you choose have the potential to determine your destiny into heaven or hell.
Friends with an agenda
After Absolom killed Amnon, news got to the king saying that “Absolom had killed all the king’s sons.” But the truth is after the murder, all the king’s other sons fled the party at Absolom’s house where the killing occurred and ran to the king’s palace. Meanwhile, the conniving Jonadab ran ahead of the crowd to bring news and appease the king – saying that “not all the sons are dead.” Then he tells the king, it is only Amnon who was dead, and it was Absolom’s intention to kill his brother all along – even though Jonadab was the one who inspired his best friend’s demise. Bringing the news bought him favor in the king’s eyes.
When crafty friends inflict their damage, they wait on the other side to collect the reward. Look around you, if a friend is not pushing you closer to your God – what is his reward? If he discourages you from fellowship with your church family and things that grow you spiritually – what is his reward? What’s under his sleeve? If he is always about pleasure and never about honesty and hard work – what is his reward. If a friend’s agenda is not about your rise, your success, your spiritual growth, then what is the agenda. So, when Christians choose friends, they need to set the (DTRs) – defining the relationship.
The bible says, “There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” But how do we set the parameters, boundaries, and criteria for such relationships? Proverbs 13:20 says, “The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm.” When we choose wise friends, we make wiser choices. When we choose foolish friends, we make more foolish choices.
Here are three DTRs to consider in choosing friends:
DTR 1, One that is willing to lift you up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, …But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!
DTR 2, One who will correct you and is willing to accept your correction.
Proverbs 19:20, Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.
DTR 3, Friends with whom you share similar moral values
2 Corinthians 6:14, Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?
If you and your friend have different value systems, why are you friends – Can two walk together except they agree?
“If you choose bad companions, no one will believe that you are anything but bad yourself” (Aesop).
The Call:
I need a network of people who help me on my way to heaven and for them I can do the same. Are you looking for such a friend; or are you trying to become such a friend – making the right choice is worth it after all.