Q: Dear Regina, My mother needs to stop driving and we have been arguing about it for a week now. She has had dementia for some time and it is getting worse. My sister told me to take the keys. This is causing more of a problem. How do I get her to stop driving?
A: Driving with safety is a big concern for many families. Although a person may have dementia or Alzheimer’s, this does not mean they are unsafe in the early stages. Evaluate what you think is making her unsafe.
Now think about how it would feel if someone was judging your abilities to drive and your brain is telling you that your driving is fine. Your judgment is insulting and degrading. Understand that your mother is still your mother and you are not reversing roles here because she is still an adult. If you do things like take away her keys and treat her like a child because “you say she is unsafe to drive”, you will continue to be at odds and ruin your relationship with your mom. Taking things from an adult and treating them like children will agitate, increase aggressive behaviour and trigger isolation and depression in a person living with dementia.
Talking to a person living with dementia or any elderly person that are expressing safety concerns should be dealt with dignity and respect. The most successful stories are those families that talk about driving and ask the person of concern step by step how do they feel about their own vision when driving; how do they feel about their own ability with quick response to stopping when needing to. This conversation has led to the person deciding for themselves that they should stop driving because they do not want to harm anyone or they don’t want to get sued. Whatever is important to that person is what you use to help them make their decision.
No one wants to have everything taken from them like a child being punished for something you took control over. Change your approach to allowing them to see it from their own view point so they will make the decision without you telling them what you are going to do. Most families report that many times they forget the initial conversation and with continued patience to repeat the conversation pays off until they no longer ask. In the meantime, you are building a relationship of respect and trust.
People living with the symptoms of dementia need your assistance to get through daily life, not for you to take over and do everything for them.
Warning Sign:
Mood Changes — People may become withdrawn, sad, frightened or angry about what is happening to them. Or the brain could be affected in areas that regulate moods and emotions causing some personality changes. When this one becomes severe it disrupts a person’s daily life. The St. Lucia Alzheimer’s and Dementia Association (SLADA) encourages people to practice brain health now. Any symptom affecting your moods, please do get it checked out. Helping our family and friends recognize symptoms early can reduce stigma and reverse some of the symptoms and possibly someday find a cure.
Sharing: Dear Regina, I wanted to share this with some of your readers as it helped me. My dad has vascular dementia and he has been pretty stubborn when it comes to my mom and I suggesting things to him to make things easier. So we found that if we get male doctors and nurses to make the suggestions he will accept the changes better. We know all dementias are not the same so we hope this helps with some. We appreciate others going through the same with their feedback so thank you.
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