By Souyenne Dathorne
Surviving Sexual Abuse
SADLY many survivors of sexual violence are left uttering those same words: BUT I LET HAPPEN. Not many have a support system that validates their pain, or quells their fears. So many feel blamed for the sexual crimes forced on them rather than supported when they decide to speak up. So many survivors/victims of sexual violence find themselves consumed with guilt and shame because of the belief that their assault was somehow their fault.
With this crime I think the feelings of shame and guilt are almost inherent. You play the what-if game with yourself wondering what you could’ve done that would’ve saved you from this horrible plight. Survivors blame themselves because their abuser/s may have said to them that this was their fault, that they wanted this to happen, that they enjoyed it. As a result many find themselves questioning whether in some form or fashion they brought this upon themselves. Nothing that you did caused this. Sexual Violence is nothing to do with what the victim did and everything to do with what the abuser wants, what he decided to take. It is a chance to exert his power and control over some one; forced sex is the vessel he chooses to exert this power.
So many survivors feel that they have not done enough to prevent their assault because they didn’t fight back. The abuser may have mentioned during the assault that she didn’t fight back. Friends or family may also question why she didn’t do more to fight back. Your decision to fight or not to, has no correlation to your accepting or wanting to be abused. You decision not to fight may have been the one thing that saved you from further physical violence or death. You may have been in such shock that you couldn’t move. This may have been something that has been happening to you from your early years and as a result don’t know how to make it stop. YOU DIDN’T LET YOUR ASSAULT HAPPEN; YOU HAD NO CONTORL OVER ITS PROGRESSION. You were never a willing participant in the assault.
Part of beginning your healing process is knowing when to block out the ignorant comments that are made. NO ONE ASKS TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, NO-ONE ENJOYS THE ASSAULT, NOTHING COULD’VE BEEN DONE ON YOUR PART TO PREVENT IT. Learn to block out anyone that blames you for being sexually assaulted. Begin to see the strength it took for you to continue to get through everyday after your assault. There is hope for recovery after sexual assault, there is hope for a better life. Begin your healing journey when you are ready. All Isn’t lost.
For those who have survived and are willing to speak to us and share your stories; feel free to call or email. We want to help, we want to create change. We want to create the supportive environment that is so desperately needed in St. Lucia. Crimes of a sexual nature should not be covered up or ignored, survivors of this crime should not be told to get over it, or in any way silenced. SILENCE is what gives perpetrators the power and confidence to continue abusing, SILENCE is what further victimizes a survivor. We have to be ready and willing to accept what occurs when one is sexually assaulted. It is never a pretty picture and the stories are hard to hear but just sit back and think for a minute what that says about what the survivor endured and is continuing to endure. Part of ensuring that things change, is being willing to give survivors a chance to SPEAK UP & OUT about what they have been through. We have to know that living through sexual assault is not an easy thing, we have to know that so much is taken from an individual in that instance and SILENCING THEM only serves to reiterate the abuse and the abusers power. WE NEED CHANGE AND IMPROVEMENT WHEN ADDRESSING SEXUAL ASSAULT. We need to be willing to stand with the survivors and not the abusers. We have to understand that the survivor has nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of because SEXUAL ASSAULT isn’t just about SEX but about POWER. JOIN US IN TRYING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. WE are always here to LISTEN and SUPPORT YOU.