If there’s one thing Saint Lucians love, it is a good beating. They may not know anything else about parenting, but are grounded in the idea that corporal punishment is a solid tool in rearing a child. They may not dream about any of the formative childhood experiences but are definitely equipped with a ‘if it was my child…’ story of how they’d inflict physical punishment on an innocent child. For those who salivate at such opportunities may I advance the premise of gentle parenting.
Gentle parenting is an approach that emphasises empathy, respect and understanding. Its primary planks involve building connections, setting clear boundaries and guiding via positive discipline rather than punishment.
Whilst not opposed to the concept of discipline having a physical aspect there requires a separation from the assumption that correlation equals causation in the case of corporal punishment. Many mistakenly attach the behaviour of themselves as adults to punishment as adolescents. And thus view child rearing only through the prism of wielding the physical rod. However, that is a dangerous path especially when dealing with children. We often assume children are tiny adults when that is far from the truth. Like many of us they lack the ability to properly articulate and regulate how they feel, see the range of emotions illustrated on social media after a major sporting or political event, and it is rather naive to assume that children can do so. For example, we often make their tantrums about ourselves and the shame and embarrassment experienced. At such a point their emotional outbursts need to be treated seriously, through empathy and understanding that it is a confusing time for them as well. For instance, an indication that you are aware they wanted the other slice of pizza however, it will be held over for dinner is preferable than screaming at them and threatening bodily harm.
Another plank of gentle parenting is modelling behaviour. For many of us we employ a “do as I say not as I do” policy when it comes to raising children. We ask for them to be kind, patient, to be cognisant and sensitive towards others as prime examples of what it is to be a good person and or citizen but then we are the first to contradict the behaviors. From our unscrupulous personas to our impatience with them when they take time to get ready.
In the cold and callous ways, we talk and interact with one another we often dispel the idea that kindness and generosity are key planks of what it means to be human. Therefore, our frustrations at children’s behaviour can often be placed at our feet. Show kindness and patience in dealing with them as we try to solve the problem. “ I understand that you’re upset. Let’s discuss why you felt the need to throw the toy at your cousin.”
Consider possibly giving them options for punishment rather than always reaching for the belt and its alleged wonders.
The first time you spank, beat or correct your child physically you may notice a look of shock and betrayal as the person who they feel is their defender inflicts pain on them. Many times this comes from the lack of awareness of a child as to what they have done wrong. Whilst it is true that children have ideas of right and wrong and may do things they understand they shouldn’t for many they need to be explained to explicitly why the action or language used was incorrect. An emotional connection with your child/guardian works wonders and often stems their poor behaviour.
Permissive and gentle parenting are not synonymous with each other. No matter what many whose sole manner of discipline is the belt believe. And we have to admit the horror stories of wire, hanger and other less friendlier methods being used are not savory even in our corporal punishment friendly society. The need to define and set clear boundaries for behaviour in how they act, behave and think is a key aspect of gentle parenting. The boundaries are guided by empathy rather than fear. “This book is only for daddy, if you continue taking it off the shelf, I’ll have to cancel your bedtime story.”
And finally including them in day to day choices is essential. I know, I had flashbacks to being told if you eat it or you stay hungry too, but asking whether your child wants toast or cereal, the doll or the helicopter is not the stone that sends parenting tumbling down.