So you tried out gentle parenting and it didn’t work? Really? How many years have you been using the belt without any success, but were quick to continue using it despite the outcomes?
Nobody claimed gentle patenting would be easy. In fact, like all good things, it takes time, care, and practice in order to implement and fully integrate in your child’s life. Particularly, when you have felt that discipline = punishment and have not considered that punishment is only a small part of discipline.
Discipline actually unfolds on various levels, the most formidable being one where we teach our children and other young people how to thrive within a society that is constantly erupting with fear and anger. For those of us who have followed Kyle Boss One’s Instagram Reels and TikTok videos, those clips trigger us with how accurate his parodying of Caribbean parenting is when it comes to discipline.
The quickness to scold and reprimand rather than redirect children’s misbehaviour is an action that comes with practice. We know the initial urge to yell and give in to our base desires, but those must be conquered if we want our children to experience something different.
Tantrums are as common for toddlers, as meltdowns are for Manchester United fans, so it is essential that parents remain calm and act rationally. Beating a child in anger or unleashing verbal abuse with threats to tan their behinds or other more colorful language is more detrimental than the patience and strength it takes to remain calm, especially under the stares of disapproving parents and friends all urging you to beat the child.
Despite the knowledge of brain chemistry and our own lived experiences, parents often pretend they don’t understand why tweens and teens behave the way they do. Reflecting on our past is often key to how we discipline, whilst teens strive for independence, they yearn for emotional safety.
They often relish the opportunity for one on one talks, late night talks, or car rides. Leaving the door open allows for renewed trust and deeper communication. Moreover, despite our beliefs that they would push us away, children are more amenable to a curious approach in communication rather than the lecturing and intrusive approach often used.
Yes, we do need to know what is going on in their lives, but at what costs?
Language choice is a foundational brick in building relationships.
“Help me understand why you and Chloe are no longer friends.”
“I noticed your math grades seem to be slipping, do you want to talk about it?”
And remember, choice isn’t always a bad thing.
It is essential to reaffirm that gentle parenting isn’t permissive, rather it seeks to parent firmly but with compassion and empathy. Often, we punish offspring without ever explaining the reasoning behind our actions or the purpose of the rules we establish. Children need to know why they may not understand it, but knowledge of why rules are there and why they are being disciplined is essential in maintaining effective parent-child relationships. This allows for the internalization of values rather than fermenting rebellion in the heart of teenagers, which is their natural propensity.
Remember that mistakes are part of growing up and respond accordingly. Provide guidance when needed and use the natural consequences of their behaviour to inform their discipline. For example, their failure to meet curfew on weekends may result in not being allowed to go on a class trip to Grenada. These actions foster resilience, a much-needed tool in dealing with this world.
Finally, children are usually in the exploration space which means they will clash with norms, and values, some which are steeped in morality, others because they have been traditional. Support their exploration of self, within reason, validate their interests, ideas, styles, and opinions even when they clash with what we deem our core values.
We see how many broken families exist because parents often let go of their children. Parents feel pushed aside in favour of their child’s peers and often relinquish their space. This is folly and a first step toward the precipice especially in today’s society where crime and violence are pervasive. You need to remind them that you are there for them despite the circumstances, of your unconditional love and support, despite the pressures and worries of life.
Would you consider gentle parenting?
Or shall you wield the belt with even more fervour?