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.... Not For Women Only

31st July 2010
RELATIONSHIP: The Ex Files
Sherlana Ernest

Do you still harbour serious feelings for your ex, even after you two have broken up? It is only natural that you still have feelings for him or her. These ‘feelings’ may even convince you to try to get back together. However, if there aren’t any more strong emotions (and that’s all for you to decide), then you can safely move on. Of course, easier said than done, and it would be easier too if your ex felt as you do. That is to say, you two both accept that the relationship was not working out and that you two, should go your separate ways.
Yet, what if your ex doesn’t want to let go? How do you handle the unwanted calls or unexpected visits? Or the more annoying than anything, how do you move on when your ex does not want to? And it seems to get even more complicated to if you want to move on with someone else.
The first card to play is Mr Nice Guy. Politely, decline any offers made by your ex. Be polite but firm when declining invitations to meet, whether it be via texts, emails, calls, or handwritten letters, whatever it may be. Stay away! Saying yes to outings is one way to encourage your ex into thinking there is a chance to make up. You need to plant firmly in your ex’s mind that things are through. Yet, if the ex refuses to get the hint, more force (not physical) should be used to convince him or her.
As cliché as it may sound, after investing emotions and time into a relationship, it is hard letting go. On top of all that, it further complicates things when you and your ex share children. The latter make it harder to completely move on. “Because of the kids, we have to see each other,” is the mantra.

 
 
And to top it all off the children (especially if they are young) do not fully understand why mommy and daddy broke up. It becomes a task in itself trying to convince the children that the break up was the parents’ fault and they (the children) should not worry.
The last thing the children need is two parents at each others’ throats. It does not help the situation in the least. Even in the case where one parent is errant or erratic, the other parent should not try to paint them in a bad light. Brainwashing the kids against your ex is a plan that’s sure to backfire. Try instead to speak and be as positive as possible in terms of your ex, at least when in the company of the children. It doesn’t hurt too, if that positivity extends to you and your ex’s mutual friends. Being positive and calm, is a sure sign of that you are ready to move on (if you haven’t already).
It is true that every relationship is different, yet, there may be something to be said on relationships that stem from true friendships. Maybe you and your ex weren’t friends in the relationship but there are no rules saying you cannot be friends after you have broken up. It is true that the transition is hard to make just after the break up.
Aside from violence and negativity, there is no reason why after some time has lapsed and you feel comfortable, a sort of friendship cannot develop between you two. Being friends is a way of saying ‘we are at peace’. Thus you and your ex can feel stable enough that you may move on to other relationships.

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